Under lock and key
by LovelyBlood
Summary: Ciel receives possibly the worst birthday present ever from who else but Lau. Slightly crack-ish. Sebby might be a bit ooc. By the way, I love the number of words in this story. c: High five if you just looked at the number and agree! -so irrelevant...-


**Disclaimer: **Lawsuits are bad! Not owning is... also bad. D: But better than lawsuits! :D

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_..::December 14th, 1888::.._

_That specific date has always been somewhat of an odd one. On that day thirteen years ago a beloved young man was brought into this world. On that day three years ago everything that young man had was stolen away from him. And lastly, on that day this year... something very strange was given to that young man._

"Hello, Mr. Butler man!" shouted Lau, his right arm waving frantically and his left arm wrapped around RanMao's waist.

Sebastian sighed as he finished washing the last dish of the night. "How on earth do you keep finding your way into this fortress?"

"Where's the little birthday boy?" questioned the Asian, completely ignoring Sebastian's question.

"I am not even going to attempt to ask how you know the young master's birthday," replied Sebastian. "But more importantly it is very late at night and the young master is fast asleep. So if you would not mind; **get out**." Sebastian respectfully bowed and averted his attention back to the chores that needed to be done before the night was over.

Lau _frowned _[still without opening his eyes] and pulled a colorfully wrapped box out from who knows where. "I guess I can't give this to the earl then, huh, RanMao?" The woman blankly nodded and said: "Yes. A shame."

Sebastian cocked his brow at the box. _"How irritating," _he thought to himself. _"I have been around these humans for so long I am beginning to feel curiosity too..." _

"I'll just leave this here." Lau smiled and set the box on the counter. "Remind the kid to read the card too~" And then the pair was gone just as quickly as they'd arrived.

Sebastian took the next 15 minutes to have a staring contest with Ciel's present... and it was winning. After a few more minutes of pondering Sebastian had decided that he'd only read the card. After all, he wouldn't want his young master to read anything vulgar now, would he? And Heaven knows that if one thing comes from Lau it's vulgarity.

The butler swiped the box into his hands and scanned it until he found a blue card attached to the side. He slipped it off and read it carefully.

_"Happy Birthday, Earl Phantomhive,"_ it read. _"How old are you this year? Nineteen? Twenty-three? Eleven? I don't know, I lost count. But I'm pretty sure you'll be getting married soon!" _Sebastian rolled his eyes. _"We all know how those pesky women are. So I got you this present that I found in an old skeevy pawn shop downtown! It's to make sure that if you're ever away on business you know that little blonde girl wife of yours will stay out of trouble, if you know what I mean. Enjoy~ Lau & RanMao"_

Sebastian scoffed at the stupidity that he had just read. Then he thoughtlessly tossed the card into the waste. Now the demon's curiosity was burning. That stupid man hadn't mentioned what _exactly _the gift was and the card just raised more questions. Sebastian perked up with an idea.

"Now now, what kind of butler would I be if I just let a questionable man give my master a questionable box without checking to make sure it is safe first?" Sebastian mentally high-fived himself at how cunning he [thought he] was and then he began to unwrap the box. His blood colored eyes widened in a sort of horror as the last flap of the box was opened revealing the surprise inside. "What on earth..."

_..::~::..::~::..::~::..::~::..::~::..::~::.._  
_-Useful Time skip: two weeks later-_  
_..::~::..::~::..::~::..::~::..::~::..::~::.._

"Good night, Young master." Sebastian said with an extremely pleasant smile upon his face.

Ciel shivered at the amount of cheerfulness that filled the air as he laid down in bed. "If you are going to be that joyous, Sebastian, then please get out of my room."

"Yes, my lord. Please forgive me." Sebastian wiped the smirk from his face and bowed as he left the room. But as soon as those doors shut, he grinned from ear to ear. How devious he is, that demon.

Ciel rolled over in bed and scowled in the darkness. "That fool. Who does he think he is, being all... happy and whatnot. Hmph."

Click.

"?" Ciel sat up slowly and squinted into the dark room. "Is somebody in here?" he questioned, attempting [and failing] to make his voice sound more masculine.

"Oh~? Still awake, are we?" said a familiar voice.

"Lau!" Ciel shouted blindly. "What do you want?"

Lau lit a small candle and set it down on Ciel's dresser. "I'm bored. So I thought I'd come over for some love!"

Ciel blushed furiously. "W-what?"

Lau grinned and pounced on the small earl, pinning him to the bed. "C'mon, earl~ Let me play with you until I feel better."

"And why the bloody hell would I do that?" Ciel struggled to break free from the older man's tight embrace. Lau just kept planting little kisses all over Ciel's face and neck.

"Get off of me, you heathen! S-Sebastian!" Ciel shouted but no one answered. He called again but still nothing.

Ciel jumped as he felt Lau start to unbutton the lower buttons on his nightgown.

"Don't worry, earl, it'll be fun! I'll leave once I get bored, 'kay?"

"Like hell! I'm going to kill both you and that useless butler of mine!"

Lau came to a sudden halt as he finished undressing the lower half of the boy. Ciel blushed and looked away. "Stop staring at it!"

"But it's... it's... MINE!"

"WHAT?"

"This chastity belt. I gave it to you for your thirty-third... no... twenty-first... no... eighth birthday a couple weeks ago. Why are you wearing it?" he finished with a chuckle.

Ciel's blush darkened immensely. "Ch-chastity belt? Sebastian told me it would make me... bigger... if I wore it when I went to bed."

"Did he now?" Lau's smirk was as wide as the moon. He effortlessly threw Ciel over his shoulder and knocked on the exit door.

The door creaked open with Sebastian calmly standing on the other side. "Tattletale." he said.

"Pervert." retorted Lau.

"Hypocrite."

"Touche."

"You two better explain yourselves quickly," chimed in Ciel. "And put me down!"

"Oh, sorry, earl. Here you go, Mr. Butler man." Lau passed Ciel like a doll to his butler.

The youngster squirmed around in Sebastian's arms. He was boiling at the fact that Sebastian was frivolously conversing with that other imbecile whilst also ignoring his direct orders. Nobody ignores Ciel Phantomhive without receiving a years worth of complaints!

"I must say, Mr. Butler! Going as far as a lock and key! You are very selfish when it comes to your things."

"Yes, I shall admit to that. But I do have ample self control. I really did not know how much longer I could bear you touching my master in those ways."

Meanwhile, Ciel thrashed about in Sebastian's arms screaming all sorts of profanities and curses. Eventually Ciel tired himself out and Lau decided it was best to go... to... where ever it is he goes when he's not at Ciel's place. Sebastian sighed knowing what he had to look forward to the following day.

Once safely and quietly in bed, the young earl questioned once again about the strange garments he was wearing. Sebastian explained everything which earned him a "SEBASTIAN, YOU BASTARD!" and a very deep, _very cute_ blush from Ciel.

"So... Sebastian. When are you planning to... unlock me?" Ciel questioned rather embarrassed.

"Unlock you?" Sebastian smirked and loomed over the bed where Ciel lay. "I suppose right now~"

Ciel scowled, blushed, and covered up to his eyes with his blanket. "On second thought, I think it's safer for me to stay in it for tonight." he growled.

Sebastian chuckled and bowed before blowing out the candle and walking to the door. But before he left, he paused and said: "I think you may have forgotten, Young master, but _I _have the key."

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You're welcome. ;3 So! I haven't written anything for Kuroshitsuji in a while so I figured I'd come back with... crack-like junk like this. :D I hope you guys liked it- I had tons of fun writing it~

**Note:**The first part takes place during Ciel's thirteenth birthday, to those who Lau may have confused. o:


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